Not Barney!
by Elfin Emerald
Summary: Chapter eight up! Whats that you say? A scream off? With Rootsie the Rude and Lutefa the Loud at the mike? Count me in! Lutefa has now entered the scream off!
1. In which KT is boss and Arty Sr is dead

Not Barney!!  
Disclaimer: I own nil.  
A/N: I don't do humor, so bear with me.  
  
"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Artemis screamed. "Yes, young man, you are going through this program, and you are going to like it!" Angeline said. "But mommy! WWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm telling daddy you're being mean!" he pouted. "But I'm your mother; I'm aloud to be mean, so there!!!!!" "MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !" "I'm too stupid to teach you at your level, so, I decided to put you back in kindergarten. Now, sit!!!!!"  
  
Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep- rrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnngggg-rrrriiiiiiinnnnnnnnnngggg- rrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiii- "Hello?" said Artemis senior. "Oh, Timmy, Arty won't behave!! He is being rude to me!!!" she shrieked. "OK, let me talk to him." He said. Then the author of this story opened the roof and said "NNNOOOOOO!!! I told you to say yes, punish him, make him watch 12 strait episodes of Lizzy McGuire then 13 of Barney, then go outside, strip and roll in the mud. Why did you ask to talk to him!?" "But Katie," his voice was whiney, everyone gasped, he had used the authors name. the author got mad and typed something and he was magically transported to Jupiter where he automatically died of lack of oxygen. 


	2. In which Foaly is blamed for everything

Disclaimer: whoh whao whoo whohn Eion Colfer won woonn he owns wha whan  
everything. Wha wha!!! (That was supposed to be like the Charlie brown  
teacher)  
A/N: personally, I don't think Lizzie is bad, but to a sixteen year old  
boy? Think about it.  
"Now," the author said, magically typing Artemis Senior back to life. "Are  
we ready to behave?"  
Furious nods.  
Then the author, who will now be referred to as. hmm.  
"We will call you *coughidiotcough*! Oh, wait, I shouldn't have said that!  
Please, don't hurt me!!!" said a voice from nowhere.  
"There is only one who is smart enough to hack into my computer and read  
what I was typing and plant an speaker so well hidden that even Artemis had  
not found it and he will be punished. DUN DUN DUN. it is. DUN DUN DUN.  
FOALY!!!" the authoress who-we-will-still-refer-to-as-author-because-she-  
can't-think-of-a-cool-nickname-for-herself said. Then Artemis raised his  
hand.  
"Yes, Arty?" the author said gently.  
"Um. well actually, your computer is actually pretty easy to hack.. I mean,  
not that I've ever tried. even though you only had one password-"  
Then Butler clapped his hand over his charges mouth. "Oh, your mighty  
Authoress, I beg your forgiveness for my idiotic charge, you see, he is.ah.  
delusional.. yeah that's it, and uh, well, um, yeah he was ah, drugged, no  
wait, he's not drugged he's under the mesmer. um, it was, ah, Foaly!! He  
put Artemis under the mesmer!!"  
"Foally!!!" said the author typing them all (LJ, Erin, Holly, Briar (Hey,  
evil guys are part of the ALL too. 'sides the author likes him and decided  
he could live(That's one of the perks of being author). ), Foaly, Root,  
Grub, Opal, Trouble, Artemis, Butler, Juliet, Chix, Mulch, and umm.  
Rainruler (My pet on neopets) her sidekick) into a white room with no  
doors. 


	3. More insane InSaNiTy! ! ! YaY! ! !

A/N: now a mostly talk chapter:  
  
Holly: Wait, your honor, um, well, centaurs don't have magic. ma'am."  
  
Author: Shut up!  
  
Holly: Yes Ma'am.  
  
Artemis: What are we doing here?  
  
Author: In a white room.apparently. Jeeze, act smart for once. *Rolls eyes*  
  
Foaly: And this is coming from the girl whose bio says she is psycho.  
  
Author: I said that?  
  
All: Yes.  
  
Author: OK, then I didn't mean it.  
  
Chix: *To LJ* Hey, pretty lady.  
  
LJ and Artemis: *Hit him. Hard.*  
  
Holly: I have wanted to do that for a looooooong time.  
  
Rainruler: Who is Even-more-psychcoer-than-me-Fred? Is he your new side- kick? Did you replace me? *Pouts*  
  
Author: Don't be such a baby, he is a friend, and he is unstable. I am his physiatrist.  
  
Rainruler: You are?  
  
Author: I am? What? What am I?  
  
Rainruler: Fred's physiatrist.  
  
Author: No I'm not.  
  
LJ: But you just said you were.  
  
Author: Who asked you?  
  
LJ: Whatever *Goes back to watching Kate and Leopold.*  
  
Artemis: How did you get a T.V in here. and set it up, wait a second, this room has no windows!!! Or doors!! The author brought us here for her own sick and twisted amusement!!  
Briar: Wow, nothing gets past you, genius.  
Artemis: You're dead!  
Briar: *Sarcastically* No, really?  
Grub: *Furiously nods* Yes you're really dead.  
  
Briar: Well that means.  
  
Root: We all have sixth senses!!  
  
Briar: *Smacks forehead* No, it means that we all wore high heeled shoes!!  
  
All: You are a dead idiot!  
  
Author: *Typing* OK, well, the good news is briar is gone, the bad news, I am his new physiatrist.  
  
Artemis: Lets end this chapter, I need to take a breather. 


	4. Have all unnessisary personel been evacu...

AN: I hope my story isn't sounding too stupid.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nada.  
  
Holly: Aren't you dead, Cudgeon?  
  
Briar: Nope.  
  
Holly: How?  
  
Briar: Haven't you read your books?  
  
All: Books!?  
  
Rainruler: Yep, Artemis and the rest of the gang have three books.  
  
LJ: Says the Purple Poogle.  
  
Rainruler: I resent that comment. Hey wait, how do you know about  
neopets!! I bet you like _LauraJean_ better than me don't you!!  
Author!!!!!! How does she know about Kpanda61!! She is probably a  
hacker!!  
  
All but Artemis and Erin: *Gasp* how could you!  
  
Foaly: Let's get back to Briars death, shall we?  
  
Briar: Yes lets. It says; She didn't bother to check his vitals, it  
was better this way, the alternative being a couple of centuries in  
howlers peak. See, didn't even bother!! Ha, so, I go see some mud man  
scientist, and he resurrects me, now I have to say  
'FAAAAAAAMMMMMMLLLLLLLYYYYYY AUTO-MART, WE'LL SEE YA THERE!!!!'  
everywhere I go.  
  
All: Laughing hysterically  
  
Foaly: I would have preferred being dead.  
  
Lili Frond: I love doughnuts, Grubby; will you go get me one, please?  
*big-teary-eyed look*  
  
Grub: I will save you!!! *runs right into wall*  
  
Trouble: Are you alright!! *Kills Lili Frond*  
  
Root: I have wanted to do that for a long time. Would you believe  
that it is illegal to kill faeries?  
  
LJ: Don't worry; we all conveniently turned our heads.  
  
Rootsie: Tha- WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DOES MY NAME SAY ROOTSIE!!!!!!!  
  
Author: Hey, would you like it to be Rootsie-Tootsie? Or maybe  
Ruticums? Or Ruwtsey Wutsey?  
  
Rootsie: *tries to kill author by whacking her with a frying pan*  
  
All: *trying to get frying pan from root, not to stop him, but so they  
all can have their share of whacks at her head*  
  
Author: WAIT! ! ! ! *Types and all become frozen* ok, now who do we  
have left.la de da OK, Chix you may leave. Briar you MUST go, no one  
cares for you, um everyone besides LJ, Artemis, Holly, Foally and  
Rainruler can go. Now, I want five more people.. Ok, the first five  
people to review get to be in my ficcy, so review with a description,  
now BEGONE! *voice layered with mesmer* REVIEW! MUHAHAHAHAH!!! 


	5. Bringin' in Tie

Authors note: I will at least be doing five more chapters because I am going to give each winner their own chapter and then they will stay until the story ends or they ask to be removed.  
  
Disclaimer: The only thing I own is this lack of plot, LJ, and Tie owns himself.  
  
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Author: Forgot to mention Rootsie gets to stay. Now to announce the first winner is. dun dun na na!  
  
Artemis: Why do I have a feeling that something extremely bad is going to happen?  
  
Holly: Probably because it is.  
  
Author: *Grabs extremely large, long knife and slits the white room a thirteen year old boy (Tie Kerl) walks out of the sllit*  
  
Tie: K.T, always so dramatic.  
  
Author: SHHHHHHHHHHH! I don't want to have to kill you in this fic, but you cannot, CAN NOT call me K.T!  
  
Tie: *patronizingly* OK, Kate.  
  
Author: *clenches teeth and screams*  
  
Foaly: *chuckle*  
  
Author: *trying not to raise her voice* And who is this? *pointing rudely to Lila*  
  
Tie: Generational curse.  
  
Lila: *Slaps Tie*  
  
Author: I think we'll get along just fine. Yeah, I always wanted to do that, ever since he *sniff* ahh.. what was it he did again. *spends several minutes thinking and eyes glaze over* Oh, yes, he threw a water balloon at my fourth cousin twice removed by marriage. *nods furiously* yep, that's it.  
  
Tie: K.T you are an idiot.  
  
Author: *Curls up in fetal position and starts rocking back and forth* (to voices in head) he doesn't even know me.he really hurt my feelings.. no, I have not been taking drugs.  
  
Foaly: Lets leave during this moment of weakness.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
and now tie will be in all of the next chapters.  
  
Tie: If something offended you, I can alter this chapter, just review. 


	6. And in comes Lut

Authors note: I will at least be doing four more chapters because I am going to give each winner their own chapter and then they will stay until the story ends or they ask to be removed.  
  
Disclaimer: The only thing I own is this lack of plot, LJ, and Tie and Lutefa owns himself/herself.  
  
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Author: Now, we bring in. *shuffles around notes* ahhh. Yes, Lutefa.  
  
Tie: *eyes widen* Her!?  
  
Author: Yes, Tie, and if you are not polite.I'll.I'll.I'll turn you into a toad.  
  
Tie: One little problem with your logic.  
  
Author: Yes Tie?  
  
Tie: welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, did you ever think that posiiiiibllyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.  
  
Author: *now extremely annoyed* JUST SAY IT!!!!  
  
Tie: *as slowly as humanly possible* O-O-O-O-O-O-O-K-K-K-K-K-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- Y-Y-Y-Y , BOSS.  
  
Author: SHUTTUP! SHUTTUP! SHUTTUP! I DONT CARE ANYMORE! Let's just bring in Lut. (A/N; you don't mind if I call you Lut, do you?) *This time, the Author pulls a sonic warhead out of her pocket and throws it at a white wall*  
  
*A girl with really dark skin, black hair and brownish greenish eyes walks in. She looks like she could be related to Holly, just slightly taller*  
  
Tie: *Whispers to Artemis*  
  
Artemis: *whispering to Tie* is that possible?  
  
Tie: *shrugs* I suppose.  
  
All of the sudden, in a poof of light, the authoress had typed them all into a stadium. Lutefa and Rootsie Tootsie both have a mike. The author and Rainruler (for all of the people who have never been on neopets, a purple poogle looks like a cross between a hippo, dog, and cat) both have earplugs. This can't be good.  
  
Author: *Over megaphone* OK, We will now have a scream off between Lutefa the Loud and Rootsie the Rude!  
  
"Arty?" LJ whimpered before she slipped her hand into his, but it was too late.  
  
.TO BE CONTINUED.  
  
Thank you to everyone who reviewed;  
  
Tie Kerl  
  
Kelsey  
  
Artemis Fowl III  
  
Lutefa  
  
Hihospeghetio  
  
Caspian Raider  
  
Dani  
  
Kingleby  
  
WonderingWhy  
  
Scaryperson  
  
Saoki  
  
Krystal Black 


	7. Screaming Match: Rescheduled

Authors note: Two chapters in one week, didn't you get lucky.  
  
Disclaimer: The only thing I own is this lack of plot, LJ, and Tie and Lutefa owns himself/herself.  
  
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Author: *Over megaphone* OK, We will now have a scream off between Lutefa the Loud and Rootsie the Rude!  
  
"Arty?" LJ whimpered before she slipped her hand into his, but it was too late.  
  
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Chapter seven:  
  
Tie: have you ever been to one of these?  
  
LJ: *Shakes head*  
  
Tie: OK, well, author is going to insult them both until they start screaming at her, lucky for her, she has earplugs, unlucky for us, we don't.  
  
LJ: *eyes widen* But isn't she the one who-  
  
Tie: needs anger management worse than Root? Yes.  
  
LJ: Tie! You need to stop her!  
  
Tie: Me! Why not Holly, she has a gun?  
  
LJ: Because, you are the only one brave enough to call her KT.  
  
Tie: Ha! The really brave people call her Frin. It has something to do with a best friend that moves. KT just annoys her, but Frin. well, calling her that would be like calling a fairy Mud Girl.  
  
Artemis, who realized that he had not yet spoken this chapter, and was jealous that not only had LJ called Tie "Tie," but that she had also been talking to him for almost ten lines, started feeling braver than usual.  
  
Artemis: Hey, Frin!  
  
Oh no, he was in for it now.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
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Thank you to everyone who reviewed; And if you haven't, you need to!  
  
Tie Kerl  
  
Kelsey  
  
Artemis Fowl III  
  
Lutefa  
  
Hihospeghetio  
  
Caspian Raider  
  
Dani  
  
Kingleby  
  
WonderingWhy  
  
Scaryperson  
  
Saoki  
  
Krystal Black 


	8. Anger

Authors note: Three chapters in one week, didn't you get lucky. If you don't understand this chapter, read Inkheart, brilliant book 'tis, 'tis a brill book it is! No, bet seriously it is a good book, I read it all in one day. And, Arty is the one with the gift. Also I have decided to do a preview.  
  
Disclaimer: The only thing I own is this lack of plot, LJ, and Tie and Lutefa owns himself/herself.  
  
¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?  
  
Artemis, who realized that he had not yet spoken this chapter, and was jealous that not only had LJ called Tie "Tie," but that she had also been talking to him for almost ten lines, started feeling braver than usual.  
  
Artemis: Hey, Frin!  
  
Oh no, he was in for it now.  
  
¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?  
  
Chapter eight:  
  
Tie: Don't!  
  
Author: *through clenched teeth* Now you are going to d-i-e die.  
  
Tie: We'll distract them, you make a run for it.  
  
Lutefa: I want to have a scream off!  
  
Rootsie: *Whiny* Me too- wait WHY THE BLEEP DOES MY NAME SAY ROOTSIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, KATE- *all the sudden Root pales as he realized what he had done- used the author's first name*  
  
Author: *to Rain, who has a notepad in his hands* Root first.  
  
LJ: Holly, help. no, wait; um. let me see your gun.  
  
Holly: *tosses gun to Laura Jean* Just don't tell who you got it from!  
  
LJ: Who will she think it belongs to? How many of us are just walking around with neutrino 3000s?  
  
Foaly: 3500.  
  
LJ: Huh?  
  
Foaly: I said, Holly's gun is a neutrino 3500.  
  
All the sudden, the authors eyes lit up in flame. She took out her earplugs, and leaned in and whispered something in Rainruler's ear. He looked surprised, so more than likely she told him to do something horrible. He disappeared in a puff of purple smoke, and reappeared exactly five minutes later with a plastic bag, filled with grey dust. The dust, if the author wrote right (that sounds cool, doesn't it?) and whoever she thought had the gift read right, that bag would kill them all; they call it the Shadow.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
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Preview:  
  
Artemis didn't want to read, but he had the gift and the author was forcing him to, he had no choice in the matter.  
  
"Then one day, the shadow heard his name being called. It wasn't the evil man Capricorn, oh no, he had been killed. The voice was female, but not the sweet blond female with intentions to save her father and rescue the day that had turned him good, it was a short fiery girl with intentions to kill. He did not want to come, but it was his duty. Slowly he arose, red eyes glowing.."  
  
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Thank you to everyone who reviewed; And if you haven't, you need to!  
  
Tie Kerl  
  
Kelsey- unfortunately, I have no one else to put in my fic. No one else reviewed. They still can, but won't. Do NOT call me Frin. It was a stupid thing. Although it was Fringe.  
  
Artemis Fowl III- Thanks ^_^  
  
Lutefa  
  
Hihospeghetio  
  
Caspian Raider  
  
Dani  
  
Kingleby  
  
WonderingWhy  
  
Scaryperson  
  
Saoki  
  
Krystal Black  
  
EvilSpirit- thanks.I think 


	9. Kerls and Lipgloss

Authors note: Expect a lot of updates over the holidays because I get novemper twenty-first through the twenty-eighth and December twenty-second through January ninth off. Lucky you, you got an extra long chapter. One that I am proud of. Technically. But let's not get into technicalities.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own The Shadow, I do not own Lut, RI, I do not own Tie, I do not own the Kreepy Kerls. I do not own. Oh! *T.V announcer voice * THIS JUST IN *Another T.V announcer guy* WE INTERUPT THIS SPECIAL INTERUPTION TO BRING YOU THE INTERRUPTING COW: MMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! *T.V dude number one* LIKE I WAS SAYING, WE INTERUPT THIS BORING DISCLAIMER TO BRING YOU THE ANNOYING TV DUDE SHOW!!!! *announcer number two* DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, HE IS DELUSIONAL. HE MEANT TO SAY THAT AUTHOR OWNS THE FOLLOWING: LJ, SEVERE LACK OF PLOT, AND SOMETHING ELSE WHICH SHE CANNOT PLACE, HARD AS SHE MAY TRY *dude number one* I WAS GETTING TO THAT!!!!  
  
¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?  
  
All the sudden, the authors eyes lit up in flame. She took out her earplugs, and leaned in and whispered something in Rainruler's ear. He looked surprised, so more than likely she told him to do something horrible. He disappeared in a puff of purple smoke, and reappeared exactly five minutes later with a plastic bag, filled with grey dust. The dust, if the author wrote right (that sounds cool, doesn't it?) and whoever she thought had the gift read right, that bag would kill them all; they call it the Shadow.  
  
¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?  
  
Chapter nine:  
  
LJ: *gasp*  
  
Artemis: What?  
  
LJ: Has anyone but me read Inkheart?  
  
Rainruler: *raises hand*  
  
Tie: *Sigh* She meant anyone but the author's personal assistant, oh smart one.  
  
*crickets chirping*  
  
LJ: I'll take that as a no. Okay. I know it's not me. Tie?  
  
Tie: As you may remember, I haven't read the book, oh smart one.  
  
Holly: You know what? You are way too sarcastic.  
  
Tie: Oh yeah? Well my genius has just come up with the most brilliant plan *Tie disappears while rainruler distracts Kate*  
  
All the sudden the author starts sniffing like a dog. Her eyes glow red.she smelled. A REVIEW!!!  
  
Tie: *comes back, trying not to grin madly at his clever, amazingly smart *author: HEY!! I DIDN'T PUT THAT!!! TIE!!!* Okay, his good idea*  
  
The author sat at her computer and grinned evilly. She took the magic keyboard, typed a few things, and a cage appeared. One by one the cage was filled. First a girl appeared (description later) then hundreds of little things that resembled furbies with big ears. The cage then opens slightly for the pale girl with dark hair and dark eyes. Her name was Residential Insanity, RI for short. The author typed: And Arty stood in the center of the stage, most of the Kerles were waiting for the go ahead to eat Artemis, but some had already wandered off and found Juliet, who was a treasure trove of ballpoint pens and lipstick, although they prefer, contrary to popular belief, lip-gloss. Cherry flavored.  
  
The author sat with a gun in her hands, waiting for someone to object. No one does. She thought so. She sat there smiling smugly.  
  
Artemis didn't want to read, but he had the gift and the author was forcing him to(you do NOT, not ever, object to the girl with the gun and control of the Kerls. Wait! What am I saying, no one can control the Kerls... anyhow, like I was saying, you do not object to her ideas.), he had no choice in the matter.  
  
"Then one day, the shadow heard his name being called. It wasn't the evil man Capricorn, oh no, he had been killed. The voice was female, but not the sweet blond female with intentions to save her father and rescue the day that had turned him good, it was a short fiery girl with intentions to kill. He did not want to come, but it was his duty. Slowly he arose, red eyes glowing.." Artemis read over  
  
Seemingly coming out of the ground, an ashy grey figure looked around, utterly confused. The author types furiously. He closed his eyes. Could he still do this?  
  
FIND OUT IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF A STORY THAT IS COMPLETELY RANDOM AND MAKES NO SENCE AND WHOSE NAME ESKAPES ME RIGHT NOW!!  
  
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Thank you to everyone who reviewed; And if you haven't, you need to!  
  
Tie Kerl  
  
Kelsey- unfortunately, I have no one else to put in my fic. No one else reviewed. They still can, but won't. Do NOT call me Frin. It was a stupid thing. Although it was Fringe.  
  
Artemis Fowl III- Thanks ^_^  
  
Lutefa  
  
Hihospeghetio  
  
Caspian Raider  
  
Dani  
  
Kingleby  
  
WonderingWhy  
  
Scaryperson  
  
Saoki  
  
Krystal Black  
  
EvilSpirit- thanks...I think  
  
Residential Insanity 


End file.
